Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The End of My Sexy Shoe Phobia!


I was born with the worst feet in the world. Okay, maybe not in the ENTIRE WORLD... maybe like NORTH AMERICA.

Yes, it's true. I do have the worse feet. If you are eating, I'm very sorry to be grossing you out. So if you think that you are going to get grossed out, you may want to come back and read this later or simply stop eating, swallow what you have in your mouth before proceeding.

Now that I trust your mouth is clear of all food particles, allow me to tell you why I have the worse feet in North America.

First off, I have ingrown toe nails. I always have. Unlike others, Ingrown Toe Nails is not a temporary ailment for me. It's a permanent ailment. I have had ingrown toe nails since I was 3 years old - or maybe even earlier - but that's how far back I can remember. My ingrown toe nails have nothing to do with the way my nails are cut - I cut my nails straight across. It has to do with the way my nails are designed. That's right. I have super THICK nails - you know the kind, the ones that regular nail-clippers can't clip through. (See, I told you that I was going to be gross! Sorry!) But it's true, I have super THICK and I mean T H I C K nails that if I don't soak my feet before trimming my nails, my nail clippers don't work. And YES, I have tried several different clippers. I have even tried heavy duty ones and they still don't work. So, outside of the thickness issue, my nails, for some reason grow in a really weird fashion. Instead of grown flat-straight, as they grow, the curl under. Yes, they CURL-UNDER! Picture this, the nail on my big toes grow almost like a curly letter C. Isnt' that just gross?????

So, ingrown toe nails is one. The second is my broken toe on my right foot. Yes, I was young and foolish once. I was in high-school when I decided to jump over a relatively high fence in ballet flats. It hurt lots when I landed. The fact that my foot was black and blue from the toe to my ankle should have told me that I had broken my toe and if I had been smart, I would have told my mom to take me to the doctor, but I didn't. I thought I had sprained my foot. Anyway, once the bruising subsided, I realized that I had broken my toe and that the bone had fused incorrectly - so I have this one toe on my right foot that is much shorter than the rest and it juts up (almost like a mole sticking it's head out of a dirt hole) - as you can imagine, this is terribly painful if the toe box is cut too shallow or too low or too high in the front.

Then there's the issue of a heel spur and Morton's Neuroma. I found out that I had a heel spur about 8 years back when I could feel this pointy thing on the underside of my left heel. Needless to say, it was terribly painful to walk as I could not put any pressure on my heel. The only problem is, I really couldn't put any pressure on the toes of my left foot either because my toes would continually cramp up when I walked. So, when I went in to figure out my heel and toe situation, I found out that I had both a Heel Spur as well as Morton's Neuroma.

So, have I won the title of having the worse feet in North America yet?

Not that having permanent ingrown toe nails, a broken toe, a heel spur and Morton's Neuroma isn't enough, I also have the ugliest toes.

Let me describe my toes to you. I have long and I mean L O N G toes! Actually, they look like fingers. I happen to know that my toes are longer than some of my friends fingers. (Okay - no doubt that she also have teeny fingers - but that's not the point!) I have LONG toes - to the point where I have been told that I look like I have fingers on my feet! And in all honesty, they really do look like fingers that I have on my feet!

So yes, I do have the ugliest and worst feet in North America - now that I've put it down in writing, I probably have the worse feet in the entire universe. But at least I have feet!

And although I think that they are absolutely horrible and gross, I cannot help but laugh at them continually.

So you're probably wondering why I took the time to gross you out complete. Well, you see, I have been contemplating buying some Sexy open-toed shoes for the summer. I don't normally wear open-toed shoes - for obvious reasons - but I'm seriously contemplating getting some this summer. My desire to get shoes got me thinking about my feet.

Despite being born with my set of feet, I am going to go ahead and get me some Sexy Shoes... some sexy open toed shoes. Afterall, why not, right!!!??? If I can laugh at my own feet, it really wouldn't bother me one bit if others did the same. Hey, maybe the shoes may detract from my ugly feet. But then again, maybe not. Oh well.

4 comments:

fiyah said...

LOL don't do it, don't do it! I am laughing with you not at you. I have hammertoes. I usually sing "hammer hammer don't hurt me" to myself. I had to stop wearing certain shoes after stacking on 4 pairs of super thick socks daily one NYC winter. It caused my third toe to rub and now it has two knuckles on top of that toe. LOL I wear peep toe sandals 85% of the Summer unless those knuckles on my third toe finally darken. It reoccures whenever I wear closed in heels for several days. I love heels so that will happen often! I hope you have fun in those sexy sandals.

Crew_Girl_In_Canada said...

Fiyah, thanks for laughing with me. I love the song you sing to yourself. What a great little ditty! :) I just have to laugh at these things because if I don't, I'd be terribly miserable. Let's face it, if I were super sensible (by the way, the rest of my life is extremely sensible) I would be stuck wearing Granny Shoes for the rest of my my life. And I don't need to prematurely age. lol! Thanks for smiling with me. :)

♥ Chloe said...

Embrace your ugly feet! EMBRACE THEM!

I also have "ugly" feet- I have bunions. I'll never forget sitting at my first rhuematologist appointment as my doctor was yanking on me. She said, "My goodness, you're too young for bunions!" and my mom, who was sitting in the corner of the room, said, "SHE DIDN'T GET THEM FROM ME!"

Ha ha ha, thaaanks mom, for not taking responsibility for my deformities! But I inherited the bunion thing from my dad's mom (my gramma), who would always wear open toed sandals (even in the winter!). When I was younger I just thought she was being fashionable and sophisticated, with her open-toe wedges and skirts. Little did I know, it was because of her bunions hurting in closed toe shoes. Yipes.

My twin sister has the ingrown toenail problem (also inherited from the same gramma). I'm glad I don't, I know they can be painful- my sister has actually had her toenails removed because of them! Ouch! I do get them occasionally, but as long as I dig them back out (and clip them accordingly) I'm fine.

Anyway! Enough rambling. Embrace your ugly feet, I say! I love sandals and open toed shoes. Just because my feet might not look "perfect" doesn't mean I can't enjoy the finer things in life. I keep my feet well scrubbed and polished and moisturized. I just have funny bones jutting out of them. :D

And really, whenever I see someone else with the same predicament I don't think "ew", I think, "Awww, she's just like me!"

:D

Crew_Girl_In_Canada said...

Thank you Chloe for your encouragement on my ugly feet issues. It certainly made me feel better. :)

I've always considered having my toenails removed to cure this ingrown toe-nail thing. Did it improve once Stevie had them removed? Does it really work? I'd be curious.